nightsick

by myself I walk down by the river because I am by myself most of the time. The days begin early and they are mazes of wavering in and out. I shut out the sound of my mother's voice for the first time since high school because it sounds like early snows and drainage ditches and warm obligation and that twists in the place of my absent organs. I call my best friend and she sounds like the mountains and freshly brewed tea and honestly it makes me cold and upset but I don't want them to know.

I need to be assured that if I became an antique set of china they would collect me. I found my car keys in a side pocket and I shrugged and then wanted to cry. I always knew I'd be homesick but I didn't know I would ever be so ill that I do nothing but get crushes on TV characters and lie in bed willing myself not to dream. It doesn't work, but it's close because even though it's different time zones, when we sleep, we dream of night.